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Caring for aging parents

Editor's note: Our "Trading Places" series continues tonight with Tim Russert's story of how he cares for his father in Buffalo, N.Y. If you missed Brian's report last night, click here to read or watch.

Life may offer you a guidebook, but the pages are blank -- you have to fill them out as you go. With that in mind, we are featuring stories this week about the challenges of caring for our aging parents and it's hitting closer to home than I ever imagined. I just returned to Washington, D.C., after a week in Redmond, Wash., a suburb of Seattle.  I'd gone out there to help my 81-year-old Dad through a tough surgery and I only had a few days to get him home from the hospital and make sure he was safe and comfortable before I had to take the cross-country trip back. While at the hospital, in the grocery checkout, or in line at the pharmacy, I saw others just like me —- adult children or other caretakers doing what they could to help out an aging parent. Assisting a frail parent walk, leaning in to hear a dry whisper of a voice, chuckling over some shared family memory -- these are scenes repeated hundreds if not thousands of times each day in this country.

I'm sure there are a lot of people dealing with painful choices that come from long distances and hectic schedules. (You can share your story here and read other stories here.) It's hard to watch your parents grow old and fragile. The man who tossed a baseball with me for hours or took such meticulous care when we built model WWII airplanes now needs help getting into the shower so his surgical wound doesn't get wet. My Mom is still recovering from major heart surgery, so when I wasn't assisting my father, I was helping take her blood pressure, sorting her pills, urging her to eat more and walk a bit with me. "Trading Places" won't solve any issues stemming from aging parents, but perhaps talking about it will make dealing with these issues a little easier. One thing it can’t do is erase the last image I have of my parents from this trip -- the two of them standing close, smiling tightly and trying hard not to cry, waving a slow goodbye to me as my cab pulled away. No, there is nothing to help you deal with that.

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Andy Gross

How is your father doing? This is the most important time so watch for those nasty "complications." Hope all is going great.

Louise Morman

The story of Dorothy and Elmer Morman and their daughter Louise Morman is absolutely incredible. The amount of time that Louise spent caring for her parents is a throwback to a time when everyone took care of their parents as they advanced in age. Today we all seem to tied up in our own lives, working, making money, going on vacation etc. to remember who brought us to this place in time. It is important for 21st century Americans to STOP take a deep breath and give back to the two people who gave so much of their lives to us.

My parents passed away 36 days apart after being married 68+ years. Both Mom and Dad were always very active and that never changed even as they got older. After Dad retired, they remained independent and active into their middle 80’s; splitting their time between their home in New England and their condo in Florida. They were always true friends to all they knew and, in return, were regularly sought out by those they knew for a trip, a dinner, a party, a game of cards or a quick visit.

As they got older, I was comforted by the knowledge that they had a wide circle of friends, one or more of whom visited daily; and I knew that, should anything be wrong, these friends would not hesitate to contact me even if Mom and Dad, “didn’t want to bother me”. It was their independent spirit, active life-style and wide circle of friends that made it easier for me to be 1200 miles away from Mom and Dad as they grew older.

All that changed in April 2000 when one-day Mom’s health took a dramatic turn. It was then that Mom and Dad decide to move and live near my husband and me. I certainly wasn’t prepared then for how my life, and that of my husband’s, would change over the next six years; yet I don’t regret a moment of those six years taking care of my parents. Mom’s health declined continually, though gradually, over the next six years and in 2003 Dad’s health began to fail. Sadly, in the summer of 2006 both my Mom and Dad past away, Mom was 89 and Dad was 91.

I never dreamed how much strength you needed to watch you parents grow frail, nor how challenging it would be to personally provide the care they needed and not treat these proud individuals like children. Between 2000 and 2006, I stopped working full time, first changing to a part-time job and then, for a while, to no job at all. This did put quite a strain on our finances, yet my husband and I never considered any alternative. I was an active part of my parents care; going with them to numerous doctor visits and hospital stays, taking meals to them, doing their laundry, providing their home health needs, maneuvering through the maze of medical paperwork and generally just being there whenever they needed assistance or encouragement to eat.

Providing care for my Mom and Dad’s last years was the most challenging job I ever had and certainly the most fulfilling. I am so glad that I could give back to them, even in part, the wonderful care and guidance they had provided to me all my life. I am thankful that I was able to be there for my parents, for taking care of my parents was a privilege.

Thank you for brighting up the day of my wonderful friend, Florence, with your Caring for Aging Parents series. She turned 89 today, she still lives on her own which truly amazes me for the fact she is legally blind. I call her my friend yet I know in my heart she is much much more than that to me. She is a wonderful source of inspiration to me and I truly enjoy helping her. She has 4 wonderful children but they do not live close by, so I have been given the awesome blessing of taking care of her and learning from her. Thank you again and blessings to you all.

I have been a geriatric nurse for many years and I have enjoyed the stories this week. The politicians and policy makers of this country need to wake up NOW. The current system is unfriendly to those who must/want to care for their elders. There should be an elder care credit like the child care credit and other tax breaks for those providing care and/or financial support. A federal task force or a task force on the state level needs to meet (with a time limit) to fact-find and make useful recommendations that include NOT allowing the insurance companies to have the final say; just take a look at what individuals and small groups are doing successfully and duplicate it. There could be mini "caring communities" set up where elders are cared for and can stay in a home-like setting and the people doing the care get something in return--mutual benefit to all.

Louise Morman's story of setting up a hospital in her parents' home is fascinating. I know that most of us wouldn't have the resources to do that, but we can take bits and pieces of her approach and put them to use. I had an electric hospital bed brought in for my mother when she was with me and it made an enormous difference in her ability to breath. The cost was about $30 per month after Medicare's portion -- well worth it. Louise's story (the details are in her kunaki --Eldercare-- link) also reminds all of us of the importance of choice, touch, senses and respect in our interactions with our older parents. These are gifts that are much easier to give in a home setting than in an institution, even one of the highest quality.

While aging and the increase in care our parents require...and we will someday require, is a difficult and often uncomfortable topic of conversation, it is a breath of fresh air to see NBC addressing the topic head-on. Due to medical and technological advances, this new phenomenon of increased longevity and the resulting increase in care that is needed will not stop with the current generation of elderly. This trend is here to stay...and with over 300 Baby Boomers turning 60 every hour...this need for care is only going to increase in the years to come.
While some of the comments I read here talk about the magic of spending time with family and enjoying the opportunity to care for those who cared for us, many voice the, emotional and even physical that this cargiving puts on the family members who provide that care.
Easing these frustrations is NOT something only possible to the rich, but it is something that forces us...while we are younger and healthier to look ahead with the knowledge that we are going to live longer lives and by doing so we very well may require some form of care. This IS something we can plan ahead for, but again, it requires us to think about...and talk about something that makes us uncomfortable...growing old.
A common theme in the happiest most pleasant comments is a mention of the parent or parents picking up long-term care insurance at some point in the past...and how this allows or allowed them to maintain a level of control over their care choices as well as a level of quality of that care.
There are knowledgable and caring people in every state in this country who can help you plan for this need that so many of us will face. When we think about how much easier we can make the lives of our well as our own...isn't it worth a little planning and research?
Again...I want to commend NBC for adressing such an important topic, and for the personal approach by which it was has been a pleasure getting to know the "parents of NBC" and I look forward to getting to know the parents of the viewers as well.

Louis Morman's story of creating a hospital at home is one of the most unique and loving stories about elder caregiving that I have ever known. Louis was able to nurse her mother back to health after her mother was undiagnosed with delirium for several months--truly a story that should be publicized!

Andy Gross
Thank you for sharing your story of long distance care after hospitalization. I can really relate to that! My healthy Mom got a common infection after surgery and ended up in critical care for 5 months unable to eat or breath on her own. She recovered when I created a hospital in my parents home.
I am an executive in NY but I grew up on a farm in Ohio. My eldercare experience was the most important part of my life---Blackberry in one hand, bedpan in the other.

Here is the story of my amazing parents:

A reporter for the local weekly newspaper wrote an article about my parents and said that it was a miracle of love that my parents died within three hours of one another.
Elmer and Dorothy Morman died the same day in their home in Kalida, a rural village in northwest Ohio. They were both 86 years old and had been married 55 years. Going together is definitely how they would have wanted it.
But the real miracles were when Dorothy and Elmer defied all the odds and lived when the doctors had no hope.
Dorothy and Elmer had gray hair but were healthy and active. Elmer was still farming up to fifteen hours a day. Dorothy was a petite bundle of energy. She was a wiz on her computer and loved playing cards.
What Happened?
Mom hadn’t been in a hospital since I was born until she had valve surgery and contracted C-Diff ---a very nasty but common infection and collapsed from dehydration. Then fast forward … Dorothy has been in the hospital for 5 months. She couldn’t do anything for herself---move, eat or breath. She suffered from delirium and had hospital-acquired infections. Almost all of the doctors had given up hope.
A Hospital at Home
In October we brought Dorothy home straight from a critical care unit. Together with some top notch medical professionals we did the impossible. We created a hospital in my parents’ home with fifteen nurses and respiratory therapists (The Dorothy Team.)
By January Mom had turned the corner. The delirium lifted. She started to walk, talk and eat again.
Life was getting back to normal. It wasn’t perfect, but Dorothy was happy and herself again.
And then…..
On Valentine’s Day my father was struck by a car while he was standing by the mailbox. He received extremely serious injuries. After two and a half months, he too defied all the odds and came home.
Dorothy was improving exponentially and Dad was starting to show some improvement also. So we had a birthday party. It was a fabulous celebration of triumph over difficulties. The theme was “There Is No Place Like Home” from the Wizard of Oz.
The Second Accident
On July 13, 2004 Dorothy was working in the kitchen…tripped….hit the back of her head…had a massive brain bleed and went into a coma.
Always Together
On August 10th Elmer unexpectedly died and Dorothy who was in a coma passed away shortly after.
If you don’t believe in a higher being the story of Dorothy and Elmer will change your mind.
My experience has made such an impact on my life that I am committed to sharing eldercare stories. Last year I did the keynote at the Institute of Gerontology at Wayne State. (DVD available at hit CNTRL + CLICK or paste in your address line). My website is under construction now. It is designed as a place for people to share eldercare stories.

PS I bet you guessed that I am on only child.

My mom has lived by herself all these years. She's 83 now and has had 5 heart attacks and her lungs are shot because of having asthma all these years. We only live a mile away and check on her all the time. In October, she developed shingles which has knocked her completely out of commission. She is living with me (her daughter) now. I don't think people realize how bad shingles can be especially for an older person. Currently the vaccine for shingles has not been approved by health care systems in Massachusetts.This disease has affected her health more than her 5 heart attacks!! I'm just glad we were able to take her in.

My hope is that this NBC series will serve as a wake up call to those who are waiting until something "bad" happens before they initiate conversations with parents about making plans for long-term care.

The good news is there are plenty of action steps to take RIGHT NOW to avert a family eldercare crisis. Books like mine, The Complete Eldercare Planner: Where to Start, Questions to Ask, How to Find Help (Random House) will jump start this incredibly complex family responsibility.

There is absolutely no reason why people should have to go it alone.


I sit beside her


Her hand in mine, thinking, reflecting, loving.A hand once so strong and quick Able to guide and direct Now so still frail and motionless I hold it is it's weakness and gently rub across the wrinkles trying to absorb the wisdom that still lives within her.

She does not speak yet her voice echoes through time.Songs of comfort words of strenght My mind travles back in time. To anywhere but here and now.

Remember with me the days we were so happy.The secret walks at the beach. The day we laughed so hard. Times you were the one to hold my hand. Your grip so tight. You never gave up on me.

I will remember. Remember for us both.


My father, who was always so independent was diagnosed with Lung Cancer in May, 2005, then it spread to his brain and he passed awayi n September, 2006 at the age of 79. I got a glimpse into what it takes to be the "parent" to my dad. They make mistakes like we all do but the greatest thing was can show them is compassion and caring hearts and to give them the gift of family and that they are not alone. When I look back on my life, I look at the days he lived with us and they were not always easy...but I tried to make his time dignified. He was my Dad for 53 years and I miss him every day....

Thank you for this series. Sometimes we can forget that we are not the only ones who are caring for our parents. My 88-year-old mother lives with me and is the light of my life. I would not trade a single day of my life with her. She is a joy! And after all, she cared for me in good times and in bad, so it is only fair that I return in kind.
Thanks -

My parents just moved to assisted living, my mother has non hodgkins lymphoma, post polio syndrome and both my parents have been diagnosed with Alzheimers. My dad is in denial, however he is going through the Alzheimers rages, my mom is subject to those rages. I am an only child. They live in Georgia, I live in North Carolina. My daughers are a great help, which I have 2 that live not too far from my parents. One thing about my parents is they are young.. my mother is 71 and my dad 73.. My parents have no money so the responsiblity lies with me financially. I do not make a lot of money and I am having to sell my house to continue to care for them both.. I can't bring them to live with me because with my job I have to travel, so there would be no one to care for them.. We have tried to get assistance for them, but because they get a total of $1500 a month from social security, they make too much money.. go figure, they have worked and paid taxes all their life, as well as I , and when it comes to needing assistance, it does not come. Medicare can't even seem to get my mother on the prescription assistance plan. Bureacurcy at it's best.

I don't sleep at night because I worry that my dad will be asked to leave the assisted living because of his rages, he if refusing to take the medication prescribed for the rates. (if this happens, I don't know what I can do). and I worry he will hurt my mother.. This is not my dad.. I know these rages will subside and my dad will go through yet another phase of Alzheimers and so forth until he is just a shell of a person. My mother deals with not only my dad and his issues but her Cancer as well as her dementia (Alzheimers), they both were diagnosed recently so they are not to the point of "not Knowing".. My parents were always there for me as I grew up and somehow, someway, I will take care of them.

I enjoyed reading this article, as I'm presently taking care of my 82 yr old mother with Dementia/Arthritis/vision problems. I'm not rich by any means, and can't express enough how difficult a time I'm having finding a place for Mother. Presently because of my attentiveness to my responsibilities in caring for mother, I lost my job. I'm a widow and an empty nester with no siblings. Living paycheck-to-paycheck. And for those of you who know the stress and anxiety of caring for an aging loved one, I'm about to go crazy myself, as I've fallin into deep depression and as I wonder what I'm to do about Mother, as she now needs 24/7 care that I cannot provide as I need to find work. There's no money, as I'm not as fortunate as others, but she does have Medicare & Medicaid coverage. And as we speak, I've reached out to them for help. Well guess what, the homes covered my M & M are not the nicest places to place a loved one. I'm afraid, and sick about this as I just cannot afford to place her in any of the nicer facilities. And, I definitely cannot afford to care for her myself. As I need to start looking for work. I'm at my wits ends, and desperate for help. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated, as my research for decent homes continues. A loved one with Dementia should not be left home alone, as they can't do for themselves. I live everyday with worries as I try to find a place for Mother....

This focus on the problems with aging parents is long-overdue. I think it's time we started a national discussion of ways in which communal resources could be more available to those of us who have wrestled, as individuals, with care for our parents. In particular I would like to see a focus on what's wrong with the individualization of responses to this intergenerational problem. Even your series makes a point of showing how individuals are dealing with caring for their elderly. Instead, I wish we could make Americans recognize that there should be communal responses and facilities so that the guilt associated with cobbling together a plan of care is minimized if not eliminated. I have a friend, a psychiatrist from Norway, who tells of the availability there to everyone of excellent in-place resources when she needed to assure that her mother, a continent away, got the care she needed. She had no "guilt" because she understood that her mother was receiving better care than even she could provide for her in her own home. My own children assure me that I needn't "worry" because they will take care of me. Just what I don't want. I wish I could make clear to them that this should not be an individual family's problem, but a societal one. And that "guilt" is not an appropriate response to the inevitable aging of parents. We should encourage a national effort to communalize the care of our elderly --just as we consider the education of the young a necessary social obligation. We need to recognize in this case the over-individualizing of responses so characteristic of our culture. This is what we should be guilty about.

Thank you to all who have shared your stories above. Clearly NBC Nightly News has touched a nerve, and I thank them for bringing the "caring for aging parents" issue to the forefront. I hope the producers recognize the opportunity to tell the stories of everyday citizens who are out there doing heroic work to transform both the long-term care system and our understanding of aging more broadly.

I was struck by the title of the series, "Caring for Aging Parents." What about doing another series called, "Being 'Cared for' by Our Children." I know the "old old" are not your "target demographic," but they have a lot of wisdom to share about all of this (as evidenced by the stories above), wisdom that we could all benefit from. Framing the stories from the elders' perspective would be wonderful, and it would be in keeping with lots of new work going on out there that questions the "caring for" premise -- clearly we're all caring for one another in some fashion throughout the lifecourse, but the "for" often becomes "this is what's good for you...." Carried to its extreme, it gets manifested in long-term care settings where care is NOT individualized and where services are VERY institutional.

The good news is that it doesn't have to be that way and that many thousands of folks around the country are embracing new ways of doing things in long-term care and beyond.

Ten years ago a group of thirty pioneers in the field were convened by Carter Williams in Rochester, New York to explore ways to get more people to adopt transformative practices in long-term care. Now there are thousands of pioneers around the country (and world) doing remarkably innovative things across the aging services spectrum -- things that foster relationship building and community life for elders and those working and living closest to them (including younger persons with disabilities).

You can learn more about this work at, or watch YouTube clips of elders themselves sharing their story, including Imogene "Imy" Higbie, who at age 88 tells her story of moving out of a nursing home and assisted living residence, back "into the community" where she has joined in the good work to share the values and principles of the pioneers throughout the country.

I have been a CNA for about 14 years and have taken care of alot of people elderly and handicaped.I have been with alot of people during this transition.My grandparents that raised me so there like my mother and father lived in there home and my grandfather was ill and one day he went to the hospital and they gave him only weeks to live but there wasnt anything anybody could do for him so he went home knowing I would be there to take care of him with the help of hospice. I went to my grandpsrents home at least 3 times a day feeding him bathing him and dressing his bed sores that he got because he didnt have enough oxygen. My grandmother helped as much as she could and sat beside his bed night after night he fought hard to see his nexted great-grandaughter born I was due in about 6 weekes he lasted 4 months at home and died in the comfort of his own home.My grandmother lived for 3 years by herself till she had a heartatach she was in a nursing home for 4 months while I was building my home now she lives with me and my four children.She is completly bedridden but her mind is good and she loves the kids I have a bath aid that comes 3 times week and a nurse to change her cathiter once every other week.I love haveing her hereI wouldnt have it any other way she wouldnt let me go to a home and Im not going to let here money or know money I will find a way. I did find out that if a elderly person has money its harder to get help the last ambulance bill to take her to the doctor was 834.00 thats just unreal to me.My dream now is to turn my home into a private home care so the elderly and ther families can chose how they want them to be taken care of.

I wouldnt have it any other way

First off Thank You all for sharing your stories. Having aging parents myself this is a hard subject. My Father is 81 and my Mom is 77. My father has had several Mini-strokes and has lost control over is body functions. My Mom has been taking care of him for the last 5 years. They have been married for 57 years. My Mom tried the best that she could taking care of him. I knew she was having a hard time and it's been taking it's toll on her mind, and body. Oh yeah both of my parents joint replacements, Mom both hips, Dad both knees.
My Mom kept telling us kids that we have no idea what Dad has been putting her through. I could see that they no longer had the wife and husband relationship, Mom had become his caregiver, not his wife. She would always say that that not the man I married, I love him but I don't. She'd cook he would not eat, getting him to take his meds was another story he'd go days with not taking them. When Mom would remind him he call her a "Nag". My Mom with all the mental and physical strain was losing weight around 10 pounds a week. But that was over the last few months that they were living together.
To make a long story short my Dad is now in a nursing home getting the 24/7 care that he needs. My husband and I have moved my Mom in our house with us. Talking care of my Dad for all those years has taken a toll on her, she keeps saying "I don't know how I got so old so fast". So now my Husband and I have become the "Sandwich Generation. Both of our childern live at home with us, and Mom. We love the fact that we have our childern and my Mom living with us. She keep me company in the evening and I have learned alot about her life growing up. She lost her Father when she was a young child and her Mom raised 4 childern by herself. My Grandmother was tough old cookie,she told us that often.
The one thing that this stories does not tell in the amount of money that it takes for 24/7 care. The skilled home that my Dad is in cost $5,000.00 a month. My Dad's private insurance pays for some, and he also get Medicare, but my Mom still has to pay $795.00 out of Dad's Social Security check. If she was living alone she could not afford to pay the bills, eat, and get her meds that she needs. If she would like one day to go into Assisted Living they would give her $30.00 a month out of her Social Security, and they'd take the rest of the check and my Dad's retirement check.
I now know that I'm not alone with this. Once again Thank You All for sharing your stories. WE are not alone out there. Does anyone know of a web site that we can join and talk about this some more.
Good Luck out there and God Bless.

P J Sutherland of Virginia Beach tells it like it is for most of us. I am a Geriatric Care Manager RN by profession and coordinate care and services for a number of Seniors here on Cape Cod. The majority of the seniors in my practice have families that live all over the country making them "long distance caregivers." Most families would like to relocate their moms and/or dads to live with them however, the majority of elderly have long standing relationships with friends, religious organization, physicians, pharmacists, hairdressers etc.
Those families that live nearby are often struggling to make ends meet. I have been working in the field of geriatric medicine and caregiving for 30 years. Six years ago it was my turn to care for my parents. My father had a heart attack as well as early stage Alzheimer's Disease. He was my mother's caregiver up to that point. I live 120 miles away and I am an only child. My dad could no longer drive and my mom never got her license therefore it was weekly visits to take both of them to their MD, podiatrist, eye docs, haircuts, shopping etc. My Dad had another heart attack and passed away a year later. My mother wanted to stay in her apartment. Despite being a care manager and counselor by profession, it was very difficult and stressful for me. I provided her care, cooked meals, shopped and also supplemented her income. With my help, a homemaker and her neighbors she managed to stay in the home where she was born. She died 5 years later in her sleep. There are resources in the community that can be coordinated by Geriatric Care Managers, Case Workers at the Area Agency on Aging and Outreach workers at the local senior center. Family caregivers cannot do everything! Maybe NBC could do a piece on Adult Day programs, Senior Center acivities, Area Agencies on Aging, Respite care and explore some of the many resources availavble to caregviers and their loved ones.

I am in the process of completeing my step-father of 40+ years final tax return. He passed away in Aug 06, the day after his 84th birthday. While watching your last two segmets on aging parents, it really hits home. I am happy for anyone who still has their parents. You mush enjoy them while they are still around. Brian, continue this type of reporting. Thanks.

I also watch after my aging father. He will be 81 in July. My mother passed away two years ago after a short illness. I have bothers and sisters, but I live the closest, and it always seems as though one child ends up being the one that's resposible for their parents. When my mother was in her last stages of life, I was the only one that she would take medicine from, the one who changed her diapers, gave her water , changed her clothes and every thing else that goes along with that. I was on call to her 24/7, and still managed to keep a full time job. I wouldn't change a thing if I could. I did what I had to do and I can sleep at night. I can't say the same for the rest of the family. But now, my very understanding husband and I have my father for dinner about five times a week. I have my grandchildren almost every Friday night so he cooks for himself on that night. I don't mind what I do for my father. He's very independant, like Tim's father. He still drives and does what ever he wants. Thanks for just giving every body a little view into all of our lives. Great show!

This series is good for America. I know your quality of reporting, Brian, and feel certain will balance it with insights into the lives of those who cannot financially take of their parents and other elderly who are abandoned to the "system."

I had oversight of my aging parents for 11 years during which I worked hard to keep them in their own home. One thing I, as a now 70-year-old am doing, is to take care of myself as well as I can. I eat well, cooking all my own food; juice fresh fruits and vegetables, walk, teach a church Bible study, read a lot, am learning to oil paint, belong to a few groups, and have a good group of close friends.
That's no guarantee that I won't be in a position to need help from my children, but for now, I'm working hard to stay healthy and be independant.

I get thoroughly frustrated with some of our young and middle-aged people who abuse their spirit, soul, body, and mind. Then, at the end of life, they look around for others to provide (and pay for) their care.

Thank you for your look into this season of life, Brian.

hello everyone. is nbc nightly news geared for the 18-35 age group? they have subjects mostly geared for this age group. i have an idea brian..why dont you say good morning/afternoon/evening to the reporters instead of just good evening when 6:30pm to me is high noon time. after all..i do go to sleep around 3am.thanks for reading..if you did!

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